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Chocolate Crisis Center Relieves Suffering Caused by Widespread Condition


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Chocolate Crisis Center Relieves Suffering Caused by Widespread Condition

LL Gets CCC to Open Up About Chocolate Crisis Condition, Fails to Obtain Dr. Hottie's Number

This month's Customer Spotlight is on the Denver-based chocolate purveyor Chocolate Crisis Center (CCC). Lightning Labels conducted the following interview with Will M. Bellish, Top Flack of the CCC's Public Relations Department. Daily Dose labels - CCCWhat is the “Chocolate Crisis Condition”? The condition manifests itself as a tendency for sufferers to employ chocolate as a way of coping with intense nonspecific cravings, unfocused mental meanderings, bizarre interactions with coworkers and family, fantasies of torturing superiors, and the stress of expensive and pointless psychotherapy sessions. Chocolate has been shown to have immediate positive effects on the Prefrontal Choco-Cortex, Cacao Nibulum, Left Cerebral Chocosphere, Reptilian Craving Complex and other areas of the brain related to ecstatic enjoyment and immediate gratification. Research continues at the Center to find new treatments for sufferers. Dr. Ernst Angst is credited with identified the Chocolate Crisis ConditionWhat types of treatments does the CCC offer its patients? Dr. Ernst Angst, the discoverer of the condition and founder of the Chocolate Crisis Center, learned that he could achieve the same or better results for most of his patients by administering quality Belgian chocolate at the beginning of therapy sessions, then ending the session immediately so everyone had another 55 minutes to do something constructive. He has since developed a full line of chocolate bars, truffles, caramels, fruits and nuts that can achieve the same results in under a minute. Needless to say, session work has dropped off considerably. Does the CCC get busier during the holidays? If so, how are you handling that? The Center “recruits” workers from another busy fourth-quarter operation that will remain unidentified for legal reasons. Many of these “seasonal workers” are disgruntled with the working conditions at the other firm, typically complaining about the cold, working in close proximity with animals, and the long hours during “crunch time” at the end of the season. The Center attracts these workers with special accommodations including miniature furniture, lower showerheads and a dress code that does not mandate red or green. These workers are especially efficient at processing smaller orders. How long has the CCC been in operation? That depends on your definition of “operation.” Dr. Angst first discovered the Chocolate Crisis Condition during the era of sepia-toned PR photography, and attempted to run the show himself for decades, utilizing, as he put it “Ze ekschperienz zat I haff acquired beingk a schrink.” Corporate oversight was finally wrested away from the doctor during a bloodless coup in 2005. That was the beginning of any sort of activity that could be called an “operation”, depending on how loosely you might define the term. Does the CCC take insurance? If so, are referrals required? The Center will gladly take insurance payments, but they will not be applied to anything you purchase. We’ll just keep the money. If you want our products, you’ll have to cough up your own cash. It’s well worth the investment, though. For that, you don’t need a referral. What products, er, treatments are you most proud of?Label for CCC's Break-Up Relief Kit I’m personally fond of the Nutcase line—and not just because it was entirely my idea and nobody helped at all. These pocket-sized (well, not in those jeans, Little Missy!) kits are perfect for keeping a supply of chocolate treatments at the ready, and come in two varieties: peanuts and toffee crumbles drenched in milk chocolate, and almonds and cranberries in dark. They’re “Crazy Good!” In fact, that’s what it says on one of the labels we got from you guys at Lightning Labels. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy your job?Breakup Crisis Kits - Chocolate Crisis Center Generally, it’s a dream job, except when I have to do a lot of creative backpedaling after Dr. Angst appears on Ellen or CNN. How did you hear about Lightning Labels? The churlish folks in our Procurement Department, who are continually boasting about how much money they save and how much faster and better our operation has become due to their prowess, discovered your company on the Web. These savings, however, have not resulted in any additional funding for our beleaguered Public Relations Department. I’ve noticed those people drive real nice cars. Hmmm. Who is this Dr. Hottie, and is he single? HR regulations do not permit us to disclose personal information regarding our staff members. I can tell you, however, that Dr. Hottie is very popular with our female patients. White on chrome label - Crisis Chocolate CenterIs there anything else you would like to tell our readers? Actually, there is. Every year during the Holiday season, the Center offers a special flavor, Holiday Blues. These are really delicious peppermint creams and our patients love them. But they don’t have any chocolate in them. None. And we’re called the Chocolate Crisis Center—not the Peppermint-Cream-Or-Whatever-Those-Idiots-In-Production-Want-To-Put-In-The-Bottle Crisis Center. But who do you think gets all the calls, emails, tweets and (yes) letters about this? Correct—the PR guy. Well I didn’t make this decision. Stop complaining to me! Complain to this guy instead: They are really delicious, though. Mmmmm.